I can’t cook in a messy kitchen. I have a brain that can be hard to corral, and the hours between 3 and 6 are my lowest energy times of the day. If I have to clean up everyone else’s mess first, I get cranky. Okay, let’s be honest, while I am making a meal is not the time to test my patience, because there isn’t any. But I can put a good meal together in spite of all this.

So, the status of the kitchen is one of two areas that I said were very important to me as we discussed buying a house together. Here’s my list:

• When you make the meal, you don’t have to do the dishes afterward unless to choose to join in.
• Dishes must be done right after the meal.
• I can’t cook in a kitchen full of dirty dishes, and I don’t want to have to do the dishes before I cook.
• Counters piled with dirty dishes are depressing.

Although we all agreed to this prior to move-in, it was a point of contention often. It took about a year to settle into a routine. Our two families had been used to different methods and, we found out, different views on family participation. In the end, all of us had to agree on and adapt to a new normal, with adaptations required by all.

This might seem like a little thing . “All I ask is _____. How hard is that?” But it is hard. Each of us needs to ask ourselves:

• Do I just want to have things my way or is there a deeper reason?
• Are there some opposing “family values” that are playing out in this one area?
• Is this action worth making into a battle ground?
• How can we agree to a new normal while being respectful of everyone in the house?

We come together with all our good traits and our imperfections. What annoys one, delights the other. This is true in every interaction with other people. To live together takes honesty, honor, and love. This leads to necessary adaptation and grace.

Living together takes work, but it is worth it.