What is the role of a grandparent?

To my daughters and son-in-laws (love), grandparents are an accessible safety net. This is possible even when they live hours away, although it takes more planning and traveling. But there are so many ways you can delight your grandchildren from afar, be a part of their lives, even when miles separate you. We’ve had that opportunity.

When my own kids were connecting with their grandparents, I was the catalyst, using pictures, cassette tapes of my kids singing or playing, phone calls just to talk, and phone calls when I desperately needed help in emergencies. A few of my husband’s uncles and aunts (who lived close) also joined in to have a special relationship with our kids. My uncles-in-laws and wives made Wednesday night pizza nights the event of the week for our kids when my husband was working stressful long hours and I was fighting depression. All I had to do was clean up the main floor (I needed the push) and make a dessert. They provided the pizza and drink and—most importantly—they loved on my kids. So much fun and laughter in those memories. My mother gave weeks of her life to caring for my young children when a sibling was hospitalized for extended periods.

Times changed, and I was given the privilege of having all ten grand-kids in closer proximity, I was the first one to get a call for help, with the agreement that my answer would be “no” when I needed it to be. They spent a lot of time at Grandpa and Grandma’s house. And the transition from Mom to Grandma was not too tough. I was the one who loved every bit of them—ornery and lovely—all the time. It was easier, because I could send them home and sleep as long as I needed to regain energy and perspective. But it was still, Grandma’s house, Grandma’s rules. They knew it. I knew it. Their parents knew it and supported it.

Now, another new situation. We live with a daughter, son-in-law, and family. We have our own space and shared kitchen and laundry. My daughter and I share the cooking responsibilities, and we eat our evening meals together—at least as many of us as time and schedules allow. We act as a safety net, but in closer proximity. It has been in this situation that we have had to make a clearer definition of grand-parenting. We are not the parents in the household, but the grandparents. And there needs to be a clear delineation and understanding of roles. And this is often in flux, adapting to new ages, needs, schedules, and situations. It requires respect to and from all members of the household. My role is love and support to every individual, including myself. And when I am stuck in a sticky or frustrating situation in the home, I need to remember that love and support is what sets my tone.

And what about the grand-kids we don’t live with? This takes scheduling and forethought, and phone calls and travel. And adjustments. Little kids were easier to plan around. Now the youngest is in 5th grade and moms are working. So we come up with a plan that works for a few months, tweak it until it no longer works, and creatively figure out another way.

This is just our story, and, for us, grand-parenting holds a high priority. My husband and I do it differently, in ways that fit our personalities. And it takes attention and support from the parents as well—they want us as a part of their lives for themselves and for their kids.

Grand-parenting is a blessing. What does it look like for you?