Today, a friend’s Facebook post prompted me to take some time to review my summer before entering gungho into fall. I had spent yesterday doing just that, enjoying a day of limited activity and lots of alone leisure time. Today, my response to a class writing prompt from 2023 caught my eye. It coincided with a sermon series on Psalm 23, and resulted in a poem.

This worship song written by David has been with me my whole life.
On this planet, in this lifetime, I had a Good Shepherd.

The Best of Both Worlds

We wanted to have children.
We wanted to raise our children ourselves.
They were ours:
to love and delight in,
to train and to hold close,
to teach and to learn from.

I was the primary caregiver:
It made sense in giftedness and desire.
It was practical financially.
I couldn’t imagine placing their care in the arms of another.

But finances were slim, and his hours were long, now longer.
We wanted to be the primary input into our children’s lives:
Our love,
Our faith,
Our God-given blessings flowing into them.

I wanted this with all my heart and soul,
But I discovered another part of me that resented a lifestyle:
Without people surrounding me,
Without the teamwork, camaraderie, input, laughter.
Without the routine, the change of scenery, the expected output,
And the delight of completing a job and hearing, “Well done.”

Being a stay-at-home mom was hard:
Endless response to endless need.
Routine you had to construct and hold lightly.
Rare completion of thought or task.
Few opportunities for fluffy day-dreams,
a favorite accessory from my birth until my first child’s birth.

I wanted motherhood, and God gifted us with children,
So I had put other parts of me on the shelf, and I wondered:
Will I ever get to take them off the shelf?
Will they be antiquated when I dust them off?
Will I still want to?
Will I still be able to?
Will the dreams still be viable or even desired when the children have flown?

Two conflicting desires were held tightly in the heart of one woman.
I chose to serve my marriage, my children, and my extended family.
Fifty years later, I am still making the same choices,
But I have a clearer understanding of God’s call on my life:
People: marriage, children, grandchildren, and all others in my sphere.
Project: communication through writing and conversation.

No part of me had been on the shelf,
all of me was being honed for God’s directive:
Not in the way I imagined it.
Not in my time-frame, but in God’s plan.
And, all the time, He was with me,
Holding me up, carrying me when I couldn’t move forward on my own.
Giving me people to support me when I needed it.

And now I write,
Out of my experiences,
Out of my marriage and motherhood,
Out of my faith and a lifetime of blessing,
Out of His shelter in my times of dark valleys.

The Lord is my shepherd, 
I have lacked,
I lack,
I will lack:
nothing.
Surely His goodness and love 
have followed me,
follow me,
will follow me:
all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.