“If you don’t like where you are, move. You are not a tree.”  “If you aren’t in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” —​T.S. Eliot “If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.”  “Well, apparently Rock Bottom has a basement.”  “You are… Read More

From a real conversation while Mom drives kids to school. Boy, reading sticker on the window of the car ahead of them: “How’s your Aspen?” Mom: “Fine, thank you. And yours?” Boy, confused: “What? I’m just reading the sticker on the window of that car. It says, ‘How’s your Aspen?’” Mom: “Actually, it’s a little… Read More

This guy drove his expensive car into a tree and found out that his Mercedes bends. Why was Dumbo sad?He felt irrelephant. Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha?

My sister bet I couldn’t build a go-kart out of spaghetti.You should have seen her face when I drove pasta. My son-in-law has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Don’t worry about your smartphone, TV, Siri, or Alexa spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years. Balloons are weird. Congratulations. Here’s a sack of my breath. I just ordered a life alert bracelet. That way, if I get a life, I’ll be notified immediately.