Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in our family.
Doctor: The problem is that no one runs in your family.

Q: Why did the martian throw beef on the asteroid?
A: He wanted it a little meaty-or.

Q: How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
A: An itsy bitsy book.

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck