I cut myself, so I called the doctor and asked if I could put in my own stitches.She said, “Suture self.” My grandkids are visiting. I just asked them, “Did you know that you have the right to remain silent even when you are not being arrested?” If I had a nickel for every pun… Read More

I just saw some red-breasted birds sitting in the sun, and they were selling ice cream. I think they were Baskin Robins. That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nikes, and you can’t do it. I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?A: Because… Read More

Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?A: Supplies! I have a friend who took a selfie in the shower, but the image was blurry.He has selfie steam issues. All I’m saying is: “At any point during that ride through the desert, he could have at least given the horse… Read More

“BEAR WITH ME.” I’ve either made a heist at the zoo or I’m asking you to be patient. Your choice. Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs. It’s also their biggest import. If I swallow magnets, will I become attractive? Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?It’s a dream job.

Strange new trend at the office. People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda. Nobody knows how the fire started at Notre Dame. But Quasimodo has hunch. I just wrote a book on how to fall down a staircase.It’s a step-by-step guide.

For most people, when you lose your “khakis,” you’ve lost your pants. When you’re from Boston and you lose your “khakis,” you can’t start your car. I’m going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words! Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?A: Because he had a great fall. I don’t have any ducks in a… Read More