Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?A: Supplies! I have a friend who took a selfie in the shower, but the image was blurry.He has selfie steam issues. All I’m saying is: “At any point during that ride through the desert, he could have at least given the horse… Read More

“BEAR WITH ME.” I’ve either made a heist at the zoo or I’m asking you to be patient. Your choice. Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs. It’s also their biggest import. If I swallow magnets, will I become attractive? Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?It’s a dream job.

Strange new trend at the office. People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda. Nobody knows how the fire started at Notre Dame. But Quasimodo has hunch. I just wrote a book on how to fall down a staircase.It’s a step-by-step guide.

For most people, when you lose your “khakis,” you’ve lost your pants. When you’re from Boston and you lose your “khakis,” you can’t start your car. I’m going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words! Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?A: Because he had a great fall. I don’t have any ducks in a… Read More

A copy of The Christmas Carol just fell on my toe.I hurt like the Dickens. I went to the doctor to complain about hearing problems.He asked me, “Can you describe the symptoms?”I said, “Well, Homer’s a fat guy, and Marge has blue hair.” I bought my friend an elephant for his room.He said, “Thanks.”I said,… Read More

What’s it called when you have Grandma on speed dial? Instagram! What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?Phillipe Floppe. What do you call a small mother?A minimum. What do you call a sad rabbit?Unhoppy.